Human excluded - included, part B

I just realised that one of the biggest crises in my life is to try to break free from the normative borders that other people and myself set for me.

Suurin niistä

Joskus ajattelin, ettei elämässäni ole tunteita. Että olen sellainen tasainen tyyppi, joka heilahtelee kyllä, mutta toimii loppujen lopuksi kuitenkin aika järkiperäisesti. 

Kuinka harhainen voikaan ihminen olla.

Kävipä nimittäin niin, että elämääni astui ihminen. Sen jälkeen en ole kestänyt tunteitteni perässä. Minusta on tullut hullu nainen, sekopäinen skitsoilija, itkeskelevä niuhottaja ja ahdistuva prinsessa. Siis kaikkea sitä, mitä en ole koskaan halunnut edustaa. Se, mille olen naureskellut ja näyttävänyt pitkää nenää. Mitä ihmettä on tapahtunut?

Olen saanut elää elämääni kuplassa. Ihan omassa, pienessä ja tarkoin varjellussa. Minun ei ole tarvinnut perustella itseäni, asioitani, ajatuksiani tai tapojani. Olen pitänyt niitä itsestäänselvinä, järkevinä ja yleisinä tapoina toimia. Mikä harhaluulo.

Kaiken, siis kaiken, voi nimittäin tehdä niin monella tavalla. Asioita voi ajatella niin monelta kantilta. Minun mielipiteeni ovat vain omiani. Ajatukseni tavoittavat vain yhden kulman asioista. 

Ja ne tunteet, kuinka moninaiset ne ovatkaan. Kuinka vievät ihmistä kuin pässiä narussa, molempiin suuntiin. Kuinka iskevät vyön alle yllättäen; katse sulattaa, viesti hymyilyttää, silmät pyörivät närkästyksestä ja hermostuminen saa haukkomaan henkeä, ikävä kalvaa, kosketus valuu lämpönä läpi kehon. Toinen valtaa koko ajan enemmän alaa ja piirtyy sydämelle.

Olen kuin lintu häkissään, kohtaan suon siellä ja vetelän täällä. Tunteideni vankina olen ollut pakotettu miettimään: mitä se on, kun rakastaa?

Milloin sen voi sanoa, milloin tietää tarkoittavansa? Tiedänkö koskaan varmasti? Jos nyt sanon, puhunko totta?

Voiko rakastaa monin tavoin, ailahtelemalla, hurjistumalla, ahdistumalla? Voiko rakastaa eri asioita, useita puolia tai vain yhtä? Ja silti sanoa rakastavansa.

Valehtelenko rakkauteni, jos samalla epäilen? Mietin, että on tässä kyllä haasteita. Epäilen itseäni, näitä sekavia tunteitani ja ajatuksiani. Jos minua huolettaa, hermostuttaa, pelottaa. Niin, rakastanko silloin?

Sanotaan, on suurin niistä kaikista, rakkaus. Että saa sokeasti uskomaan, luottamaan ja toivomaan. Peittääkö kaiken muun alleen?

Human excluded - included, part A

About this crisis I have mostly questions:

When is someone in or out?

What is the process that  leads into exclusion or inclusion?

Does exclusion always relate to lack of social skills? Can one become included by trying hard alone?

Does included person feel included? Does excluded person feel excluded. Who determines exclusion and inclusion? Society? People? Person?

How do we know that someone is in or out? What are the features of exclusion and inclusion?

Is there someone who wants to be excluded? Why? Why someone wants to be included?

When it comes to art, what is the meaning of being in? Money? When it comes to money, what is the meaning of being out? Subtlety?

Can one be included by force? Again, why?

Hooray for sidekick!

As a child, girls often have a phase when they play princesses.
I never really had that phase. I played alone a lot. I was a tramp, an elf, a squirrel or a florist… But I have an elder sister who always wanted to be the princess. Sometimes when playing with her I was the princess’s cousin or a friend or maybe a royal pet, but never the heiress herself.

A while ago I happened to mention this to my friend and she kind of felt sorry for me. It left me a bit confused. Did I miss something as a child? Should I have had that princess experience?

I don't remember feeling left out because I think I wanted to choose those down-to-earth characters myself. Maybe sometimes I was ordered to play some particular role by my sister or whoever I was playing with. But even then I always found something interesting and deep features in my characters and focused on them and brought them up.

My friend’s reaction just made me wonder would some areas in my adult life be easier or clearer if I had acted like a princess in some point of my youth. Played that role where I'm naturally put on a pedestal and been respected and loved because of my position among others and especially as a woman.

I felt loved by my family, but still, would that chance of having some over the top admiration have helped me to build my self-esteem and femininity stronger? But I was settled being the sidekick and finding the value of my characters myself.

Instead of pure admiration I have given more value to the gratitude I get from good deeds I do or my nice behavior.  That’s not all wrong of course, but the real world doesn't need any effort doing its job and bringing me down no matter how much I try, so some experience in receiving the bits of praise the world sometimes drops on you, might help. That's especially because, again, instead of admiration I have felt over the top confusion when the world has poured the praises on me for some reason. I’m not used to that and don’t know how to handle it.

In the princess rally I might have been the sidekick but on my lonely quests deep in the woods I was the hero. That might have had some effect on how I have resolved my adult life too…

One princess crisis to go?

The art of forgetting

During last weeks I have been forgetting quite many things. Most of the things that I have forgotten relate in my several jobs. I have for example forgotten to take some things with me that I need in my work. Sometimes I also forget events and appointments that I even have written in my calendar. I also forgot to write in this blog even if I had written down in my calendar that it is my turn to write.

I think people forget things in that point when there is too much new information in their brain or the information is not organised enough. So, there is an overload in the brain.

Sometimes it is even good to forget. Maybe the information was not needed or it was too stressful so it was better for oneself to forget it. The crisis arises when the information one forgot was related to some other thing that suffers because of the oblivion.

Hmm...

I'm sure I had some important point to say for the last but I think I have forgotten it...

To be or not

Most of my life I have been trying to be.

Be myself, be someone, be someone else, or not to be at all.

Without supporting response. (or at least that's how I interpreted it)

All this trying have left me confused comparing it to this present time when people have suddenly shown growing amount of interest and loading buckets of responsibility on me.

And because of all that trying before, I'm already exhausted now when I actually should take advantage of all the possibilities there is and show my claws. 

Thinking of all that duty ahead, I feel myself old and tired and that my best, effective days are gone.

And yet I live on unemployment benefit. 

Liian kriisi / Too crisis

Miten voikin olla niin, että tuntee aina olevansa jollain saralla liikaa?

Liian väsynyt pysyäkseen hereillä, mutta liian virkeä nukahtaakseen. Liian realisti omasta osaamisestaan, toisaalta liiaksi utopioita olemassaolevista mahdollisuuksista. Liian taiteilija ollakseen tavallinen. Liian tavanomainen ollakseen taiteilija. Liian konservatiivinen ollakseen nuori nainen. Liian liberaali ollakseen hihhuli. Liian mustavalkoinen, kärkäs tai vanhoillinen. Liian maalta sopeutuakseen kaupunkiin. Liian kauan kaupungissa asunut muuttaakseen enää metsään. Liian nauravainen, suurisuinen tai hauska, jotta ihmiset ymmärtäisivät että todellisuudessa se on aivan liian synkkä ja vakava. Liian huoleton jaksaakseen murehtia, mutta liian vanha tietämään että kaikki olisi vain tässä. Liian paljon ajatuksia, toisaalta ne ajatukset ovat liian vääränlaisia. Liian yksinäinen, mutta liian pelokas sanomaan sitä ääneen. Liian ruma, mutta samalla liian kaunis jotta asiasta voisi valittaa. Liian avoin pitääkseen omat asiat ominaan. 

Voisiko liikaakin olla joskus liikaa?

How is it possible that you always feel yourself to be too much of something?

Too tired to stay awake but too alert to sleep. Too realist of one´s own knowledge but on the other hand too visionary when it comes to possibilities. Too artist to be normal. Too ordinary to be an artist. Too conservative to be a young woman. Too liberal to be religious. Too black-and-white, anxious or dated. Too much coming from countryside to feel home in the city. Stayed too long in a city so that 

it´s impossible to move away anymore. Too cheerful, loud or funny so that people would understand the real darkness and seriousness hold inside. Too carefree to worry but old enough to know there is more than we can see. Too much thoughts, or at least wrong kind of. Too lonely but too afraid to say it. Too unattractive but at the same time pretty enough to not complain. Too sincere to withhold her own business.

Is it possible that sometimes there´s too much of muchness?