Liian kriisi / Too crisis

Miten voikin olla niin, että tuntee aina olevansa jollain saralla liikaa?

Liian väsynyt pysyäkseen hereillä, mutta liian virkeä nukahtaakseen. Liian realisti omasta osaamisestaan, toisaalta liiaksi utopioita olemassaolevista mahdollisuuksista. Liian taiteilija ollakseen tavallinen. Liian tavanomainen ollakseen taiteilija. Liian konservatiivinen ollakseen nuori nainen. Liian liberaali ollakseen hihhuli. Liian mustavalkoinen, kärkäs tai vanhoillinen. Liian maalta sopeutuakseen kaupunkiin. Liian kauan kaupungissa asunut muuttaakseen enää metsään. Liian nauravainen, suurisuinen tai hauska, jotta ihmiset ymmärtäisivät että todellisuudessa se on aivan liian synkkä ja vakava. Liian huoleton jaksaakseen murehtia, mutta liian vanha tietämään että kaikki olisi vain tässä. Liian paljon ajatuksia, toisaalta ne ajatukset ovat liian vääränlaisia. Liian yksinäinen, mutta liian pelokas sanomaan sitä ääneen. Liian ruma, mutta samalla liian kaunis jotta asiasta voisi valittaa. Liian avoin pitääkseen omat asiat ominaan. 

Voisiko liikaakin olla joskus liikaa?

How is it possible that you always feel yourself to be too much of something?

Too tired to stay awake but too alert to sleep. Too realist of one´s own knowledge but on the other hand too visionary when it comes to possibilities. Too artist to be normal. Too ordinary to be an artist. Too conservative to be a young woman. Too liberal to be religious. Too black-and-white, anxious or dated. Too much coming from countryside to feel home in the city. Stayed too long in a city so that 

it´s impossible to move away anymore. Too cheerful, loud or funny so that people would understand the real darkness and seriousness hold inside. Too carefree to worry but old enough to know there is more than we can see. Too much thoughts, or at least wrong kind of. Too lonely but too afraid to say it. Too unattractive but at the same time pretty enough to not complain. Too sincere to withhold her own business.

Is it possible that sometimes there´s too much of muchness?

Aren’t I complicated

Women are said to be complex, hard to understand and insinuating. They say something else they mean which only leads to wrong interpretations, irritation and arguments. I also get irritated by that. And this attitude makes me often feel myself outsider even within women. I sometimes unload my irritation by actin that I don’t understand what my female friends are trying to say with their hints. That way I’m trying to force them to say clearly what they mean.  Maybe I’m naturally quite frank but I know I've consciously taught myself to act that way ever since I realized that life itself really is complicated.  Why on earth I would add difficulties by being complex?

Few examples.

I met a man. Men are known to be clear and straightforward on what they say and do. To be as clear I told the man my opinion about our acquaintance. I answered to the unasked question to avoid possible misunderstandings. He was shocked, a bit offended. I apologized. He assured that he would also say clearly what he means if needed. He didn't. He acted. Again I tried to be clear and as a result we had a debate. Eventually I heard myself making up something conciliating and conventional to calm things down.

I met another man. He made a request to ask me something, but then also said that I shouldn't yet answer anything to the request. Only to the question itself after he would ask it. So I didn't say anything. He made the request twice and twice I waited for the question without answering, thought I knew what the question was about. A while after the third request, I also got the question. I happened today. Haven’t answered yet.

I consider myself a practical and direct person. At least I would like to be. But that also seems to be a problem. And when trying to get rid of them I just seem to be creating new ones.

I've thought that communication is about understanding the messages. Question, answer, understanding.

I’m not dumb. I can see the hidden meanings and hints. It’s about playing the game, testing and investigating.  But what if I don’t want to participate? Am I naturally left out of the field? 

Aren't I complicated enough so that someone could get to know me? 

Or do I just play my own game by asking straightly what the counter sides strategy is?  

Maybe I am a player after all. Just not so sure about the rules. If they exist.

And obeying them…. That’s a whole other thing.

And now I have an answer to give.

Juhlapyhänaluskriisi

Mies laittoi aamulla kahdeksalta Whats App -viestiä: "Haetko karitsaa kaupasta ennen kuin tulee neljän ruuhkat kauppiohin." Lupasin hakea. Näin taiteilijapäivärytmillä minulle aamu on noin klo 13 alkaen ja sitten siitä pikkuhiljaa kolmeksi kerkeää jo pukeisiin. Enkä erityisesti pelkää ihmisvilinääkään, joten kaupparuuhka ei minua haittaa. Ennen kolmea tuli uusi viesti: "Haitko?" Kerroin hitaasta aamustani ja lähteväni pian hakureissulle. Mies veti herneet nenään. "Lammas voi olla jo loppu, koska kaikki hamstraavat ruokaa juhlapyhiksi." Aivan niin, tätä en ollutkaan huomionut. Ponkaisin pikapikaa suihkuun ja pyörän selkään. Metsästysretkeni paikallisiin saksalaisiin markettimaisemiin oli onneksi menestyksekäs. Kuka nyt olisi halunnut pilata loputtoman pitkät juhlapyhät (yksi päivä ennen seuraavaa arkipäivää) riutumalla kurjuudessa ilman karitsan paistia.